Live Metanoia

The Dreaded Two Questions

I’ve thought about how to write about this topic and there are many ways I could go on about it. I could probably write many blogs about this topic. However, I think with open honesty and candid humor as well as a little justified irritation this might be the best way. Well for me at least, so here we go…

I grew up in small, conservative Texas town. It was one of those towns were everyone knew everyone and 90% of the people you went to kindergarten with, you graduated high school with. The majority of the individuals I know from school, high school and college, are married, or in serious relationships, and are pregnant or already have children. The expectation to pair off and pop out children as soon as you graduate high school, or college, is very high and it is considered peculiar if you don’t. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this. I am not condemning marriage, relationships, or motherhood. 

I am however condemning small minded people who ask two variances of the rudest questions you can ask a female. 

“Why aren’t you married yet? / Where is your husband?”

“When are you having kids? / Where are your children?” 

It seems as I get older, the expectancy that I reproduce and find a mate has become everyone’s business. Now is it their business? NO. Should I explain myself? Nope. Even more, what does one say to someone who has the audacity to ask these questions? 

            “He’s buried in the backyard? :)” 

            “I’m taking your heathen offspring of course!” 

Of course, I’m kidding. I would never bury a body in my own backyard, and kidnapping is so cliché. I digress. 

For some reason, in southern states in general, the idea that women past the age of 25 are seen as broken, sad, or somehow crazy when they haven’t been married or have never had children. That there has to be something wrong with us because we haven’t fallen into the statistic. That we are defective, and that’s horribly mistaken. It’s ignorant and short sighted. Most of us ‘adults’ out there don’t have any idea what we are doing. Some adults don’t even know who they truly are yet.

And you want us to raise little humans? You want us to devote ourselves wholly and completely to someone else who also doesn’t know who they are or what they truly want? Yea hard pass. And hey, if you’re reading this and thinking I’m talking negatively about you or someone you know who braved marriage and children in their adult infancy, I am totally and completely not. I applauded mothers in their 20s because, holy cow. What even. 

I am single and childless. I am nearing the dreaded 3 0. I am also happy. Do I get bouts of loneliness every once in a while? Yes, but I am only human, and humans need connection to others. But do you honestly think I’m just going to throw myself into a random relationship for you? A random stranger? A rude family member? A person who believes I care about their uninformed opinion? In case you forgot, person with no common decency, it’s my life and I don’t live to make you happy. 

And kids? Children are literally all consuming. Having children literally changed your life. You have got to provide for them and nourish them. It’s a lot more work than taking care of my dogs, I’ll tell you that. Sorry dog moms, we don’t have a clue how to take care of kids. I don’t have the means to provide for one by myself, so why the ever-loving hell would I get knocked up at this time?

Single motherhood is not something I have ever been interested in or I think I am even emotionally or mentally capable of. All the power to the women out there who do it- by choice and most often, not. It’s very hard, and our country has this idea that there’s some standard of ‘perfect motherhood’ that every mother should strive to get to that is totally unattainable. You are all doing your best out there moms. You can tell everyone else to suck it. And right now, my best is not having a kid. Weather I want one or not. 

I feel that in other states, with larger cities and populations, or dare I say it, a more liberal view (I cringed writing that) – the idea of being married with children by 25 is not as a big deal as it is here in the south. Heck, I would bet in other countries it’s not that big of deal either. So why are people in the south so burdened with this notion? Why do we take it upon ourselves to stress out about it? Why do others stress single people out with the concept that they must be with someone or birth someone to be complete? 

Aren’t I enough? Can’t I be happy by myself? 

I believe I can. 

I am more than someone’s girlfriend, wife, significant other. 

I am more than someone who should and needs to have a child. 

I am complete within myself. 

And that is the conundrum that others can’t seem to understand. I have a full-time job that I love. I have actual home and a car and food in my pantry. I pay my bills on time. I am adulting like a boss, but for the nosey people out there, I need to have a husband and 2.5 children to ‘live the dream’. Well that’s not my dream. Not at this time. And if you are out there reading this, and you feel my frustration, and are happy in your current single or childless situation, that’s okay and you are complete as well. 

I am not saying this won’t ever change. I may find someone soon. Who knows? (With COVID, fat chance, but we can have goals, right?) But relationships are important to me, and I value my worth. Relationships are so important because I am the type of person who puts 100% into them and who would I get into a relationship where my value isn’t seen? See, the thing no one tells you and what our culture won’t let you know, is that once you are secure in your singlehood, you learn to be happy with yourself and you know what you bring to the table. Does it sound like I have high standards? You betcha I do! 

When I decide to have a relationship, I don’t want to settle for anything else than spectacular! Does that sound like a romantic pipedream? Maybe to you, but I believe people who are ‘equally yoked’ and have the same visions can make that happen. I mean, you see the opposite every day. People who wake up one day and don’t want to be married anymore, or have a relationship. Mothers and fathers who when they divorce or separate, they forget they have responsibilities to their children and stop parenting. It’s more the rule than the exception now of days. I don’t want that. 

So, until I find someone equally yoked, I wait. I wait for a serious relationship. I wait for a husband. I wait for children, IF I have them. I am happily single while doing so. 

And in the meantime, and heck, even after that?

It’s none of your business. 

My journey continues,

Kaycee