Live Metanoia

This post today is actually an article I wrote for a magazine on Nabalo.com . Toxic relationships and how to stop being apart of them were all the rage in 2019. It seems in 2020 the trend continues. Give it a read and hopefully you recognize your own toxic relationships and can start your journey to having healthy, happy relationships.

The Pain of a long-term toxic relationship.

They say friendships that last longer than seven years are friendships for life, but what happens when these relationships change? What happens when these relationships become toxic and  start harming you more than help you? One of the hottest topics of this year and last is the idea of ‘cutting toxic relationships and people out of your life’ but how do you do that with someone you have known for over ten years? 

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when a long- term relationship has turned toxic. It’s not as easy as the memes we share on social media. There is no Rihanna running around with scissors to ‘snip- snip’ your best friend out of your life. Someone who used to know you better than yourself. Someone you thought you knew just as well. As we grow in life, we change. Or we are supposed to. Our personalities grow and cement into the adults we are made to be, and sometimes that means our friendships change as well. The friend you spent your childhood, teenage, or even college years with changes too. Life happens. And that’s okay. It’s normal if you are not as close to your bestie from high school as you used to be. 

However, when you are in a relationship where that person no longer attempts contact you unless they need something- Welcome to the Tar Pit. Whenever you talk to them, they can only talk about themselves and are only interested in their life and don’t even try to learn about, or listen to yours? Well, hey- that Tar is sticky huh? When they start to become negative, closed off, condescending, and go long periods of time just ignoring you or making you feel bad about your-self and blame you for their issues? My friend, you are knee deep in toxicity. Because I believe relationships are a two-way street. Relationships require communication and effort. Relationships need compassion and forgiveness.

When referring to the Tar Pit, I’m not talking about a short time span of someone being a bad friend. These issues have to build over time and become a constant. That life thing I talked about earlier? Sometimes people experience horrible life events that cause them to have periods where they are considered ‘bad friends’, like the death of a loved one or diagnoses of an illness, or some other type of trauma, but usually patience and a long, honest conversation about how you feel and the offering support during their time of need helps this issue. You know- that communication thing that was mentioned earlier. 

But let’s say you have already had this three-hour long heart to heart where you and your ‘ride or die’ have hashed out your differences and you have experienced six months of ‘friends for life’ euphoria only for it to come crashing down by eight months of radio silence and a text every once in a while, of “Hey- I need a favor.” Or the blow up after you’ve attempted to speak your peace with hate like, “I don’t know why your acting so upset, I have my own issues going on as well…” (something superficial or trivial) Or, “Well if you would stop whining about…”. The Tar Pit says hello. 

These messages and the feeling of abandonment you get from someone hurt you in such a way it is heartbreaking. It affects your other relationships. It affects your psyche. It affects your soul. Sometimes people change- for the worse. Sometimes people don’t evolve and mature like you have. Sometimes you have to realize it’s better if you go on your separate paths without each other, no matter how hard it is going to be- at first. 

I believe that there’s two ways separating yourself from the soul sucking tar pit of despair can go: 

One way- a clean break.

 It’s going to hurt (like your first waxing session type of hurt) but once you catch your breath and patch over that gaping wound in your heart, your soul will recover from the negativity and discomfort of dealing with someone who know longer serves you as a friend. You will have to delete and/ or block their social media accounts from yours. 

You might can try to sit down with them with have an adult conversation like, ‘Hey, I’m kind of not into this friendship anymore, and I think we should go live our lives without each other in it’ but let’s face it, if they have blown you off for months or even years, do you really think they will be down for a heart to heart? The answer is probably not. 

Unfortunately trying the ‘Are you breaking up with me?’ method might lead to a violent reaction on their end as well. The blame game will begin, and guess what? The blame will be on you. It might just be best to slowly disappear into the ethos, never to be heard from again. And when they text you needed a favor? Well you don’t know this person anymore. You. Owe. Them. Nothing.

Some people can make a clean break away from the toxic people in their lives and move on, limping at first, but then sprinting toward a life filled with relationships where both parties care for another. A wonderful escape from the Tar Pit. 

I am not one of those people. 

Which brings the second option- the slow bow out. 

I feel like the ones who are more empathic, who have invested more in the relationship and feel more connected to the other person suffer through this option. 

It starts the same with the radio silence for months- years even, but then when they ask needing help? Instead of ignoring them, you jump on it, because hey, you are needed! They needed something and thought of you! You are important again.  

No, my friends. They wanted someone easy who they could use- and they thought of you. And when the blame game starts and you are the victim? You take every verbal lashing, believing that maybe it is your fault. Maybe you were the bad friend. That is you sinking. Sinking lower into the Tar. Sinking lower into the toxic relationship and deeper into this person’s control. So how do us bleeding hearts break out of this hold? 

Slowly, graciously, and with forgiveness. When asked for a favor, remember all the times they have used you in the past, how they have blamed you for their short comings and you had to be the one to apologize over and over and over again when you did nothing wrong. 

Tell them you’re sorry about whatever predicament they are in and then offer a solution that DOES NOT INVOLVE YOU. Also, you can wish them the best of luck in their endeavor. Then, leave it at that. Whether you mean your well wishes or not, that is up to you. With us empathic- fix it types, we usually do mean it though. 

Another way to slowly bow out of the toxic friendship game is less social media and more space apart. Social media really can be the root of all evil and stress. If you cannot handle the pain of unfriending the toxic person yet or the backlash of them finding out, unfollow them or block them instead. They will never know you did it unless you tell them. Stop tagging them in memes and posts they don’t comment on, or care about, or worse make fun of you for. Just unfollow them- out of sight out of mind. 

Then one day you will build up the courage to hit that unfriend button. If they randomly decide to tag you in something instead? If you can ignore it, do! But if not, by all means like it, leave a brief comment on it, say your thanks depending on what it is, but let it end there. A tagged photo or tagged comment on a post is not an olive branch back into best friend land. It’s a bear trap fishing for an ankle to step into it.  

Eventually time will pass and life will go on. You will realize one day you haven’t thought about this person in months. You no longer will care about what they are up to or what they are doing without you. The hurt that they have caused you by using you over and over again will turn into an ache. Then it will barely be a pain. Then it won’t hurt at all. You will have wished them the best for their lives, and then closed that chapter in your life to start and new one.

You will have crawled your way out of the Tar Pit. 

And the best part? After a while you can forgive and forget about them. You will have built new relationships with others who are as mature and communicative as you. Who realize and value your worth. Who also carry scars from their own Tar Pit and see you for the wonderful person that you are.

Birds of a tar-y feather flock together and all that.

Kaycee Berry