Live Metanoia

This is the second time I’ve written the first part of this post. Mostly because my notes app deleted the first one- which was gold by the way, but isn’t that an accurate depiction of how life is right now? Also, I was called ‘difficult’ today by a man-child which is a sore spot for me since I still have family insinuating I need to meet someone or make friends or I will die alone with my two dogs eating on my sad, lonely corpse. Jesus take the wheel. So, on that note I hope I can properly convey my original thoughts and intentions for this post before people decided this evening was ‘make Kaycee sad’ night. 

I didn’t write anything last week. In all honesty, I planned to, but the day I sat down to type this sucker out was election day and that turned into election week and now a week from that dumpster fire, well we still don’t know anything concrete. So, no post last week. But to make up for that indiscretion, I will be posting twice this week and mayybbeee twice next week. Next week is my birthday week- yay (que sad piano music and introspection here).

Today’s post is centered on living authentically and unapologetically. This is a hot, hot topic that most people talk about and many struggle with. You could also write multiple posts about this topic or even a book on how much you can cover on it. I know one would think, ‘how is living authentically hard? You are just being you?’ However, my dear reader, it’s harder than you think. 

The expectations from friends, family, and this world of who you should be and how you should act and think can be ridiculosly stressful as well as crushing. Sometimes people put an identity on you that was never yours to begin with. And most of the time? You’ve grown up and changed and no one around you seems to notice or care. They still see you as how they want to and not for who you really are. And that my friends, sucks big time. 

Sometimes people evolve for the better, become more mature human beings, capable of doing whatever they put their mind too. Sometimes people stray, go backwards, and decrease in their learning of who they are. They become scared, are riddled with fear and anxiety of stepping out to be their true selves. They are afraid that if they show their nature, people will not accept them. So many people remain stagnate. They never wish to grow. For some, they are happy that way, and now as I type this I realize- who am I to fault them if they waste their potential? Technically, it’s not my business. But it is hard to witness someone on the precipice of greatness slowly back away because they’re afraid to make the leap. And it’s even worse to hear them complain about it. I’m rambling. 

Back to authentic and unapologetic. I think these two words when it comes to humans and their nature go hand in hand. To be authentic, you must be unapologetic about it. Otherwise, you are creating a false image or narrative of yourself, and who wants to live that way? Wearing a mask constantly sounds tiring and I don’t think we as humans can do that every day, 24/7, 365. To truly embrace who you are, you must embrace the idea to not apologize for yourself. It’s okay to be you. It is okay to take up space and be loud. And it’s also okay to be a you that’s still changing and growing.

I can guarantee you I am not the same I was in high school, thank god. 

I also am not the same as I was in college either, again praise tha lord.

I am not the same person I was last year. 

And neither are you. 

One of the facts of life is that stuff happens. Jobs change, people get married or have babies, death occurs, a pandemic hits and everyone collectively loses their minds, stuff just…happens. So, it is natural to adapt to these changes. It is natural to learn more about yourself as you grow older. That is how you become who you truly are, by facing these changes as they come. It’s when you don’t, or even can’t, face life events that stop you from growing that is a problem. That can lead to dangerous behavior and even escalate mental illness. However, some life events are followed by grief or a period where it’s natural to step back, breathe and reevaluate (see global pandemic, break up, or death of anyone, etc.) but these events can’t completely consume you forever.

Life. Goes. On.

And so will you.

To be authentic is to be unapologetic. To be authentic is to constantly learn about yourself and who you are. It is to know your truths and stand in them confidently. It is to also know what has held you back and hurt you. It is to shake off the expectations of the world and generational and family curses and ideals of who you should be, and say, “No. This is me. I am who I want to be.” This is your life. You have control of it. No one else has a say in who you are. And I guess I have a running theme because guess what- it’s not their business anyway. 

This post did NOT go how I wanted it to, but there you have it. I honestly don’t think I can tell you in one 1000-word post how to live an authentic life. Heck, I’m still figuring it out myself. I still am trying to heal old wounds that others have struck me with. But I can tell you that a way to start at this whole ‘be you’ thing is to take a long, hard look in the mirror. That’s the unapologetic part. Be honest with yourself. Are there things you don’t like about yourself? And I’m not talking about aesthetics. Write these things down. Make a list of what they are and make a list of the person you want to be. Start on working on yourself. Make yourself happy and be comfortable in not being comfortable. And be patient. Change doesn’t happen overnight.

Is this easy? Nope.

But will it be worth it? Yes. 

My journey continues,

Kaycee