As I write this post I have a hair mask in my hair and another mask on my face. The things we do for beauty. I don’t have a real theme or topic for this post this week, mostly it’s just an update on what’s going on in my life in general. There’s a lot of change in motion right now in my life weather it’s my job, health, and relationships. What do we do but take a breath at each turn and adapt? In life we don’t really get a choice. You adapt and flourish or struggle and just survive.
I decided this year that I no longer want to survive. There’s a lot of things I am not holding space for anymore. I posted on my Instagram a couple of days ago that meaningless conversations, apologizing when unneeded, defending my actions when saying ‘No’, and dead relationships are things I no longer care to waste my energy on. To me, these things cover all aspects of my life, except maybe work if clarification is needed, but I will no longer supply an extra, “I’m sorry I’m…” or “No thanks, I’m doing…” anymore. I no longer waste my time on conversations when talking to people if they are not going to actually pay attention to me.
This is especially happening in my dating life. Men, or boys more likely if their conversation skills are a standard of judgement, will start to talk to, or more likely text, me but they don’t want to meet for a date to actually get to know another. They just want to flirt off and on for a couple days and get the attention they needed and then stop talking to me altogether. Talk about a blow to your confidence. It is so frustrating to meet people when working nights and weekends, and it’s even worse trying to date or find people in the world we live in now of days. Everything is online, and people believe that ‘ghosting’ another human being is normal behavior. No one has the gumption to actually go on a date now of days, and everyone is an active participant in the hook up culture that I don’t partake in. Or maybe I just attract horrible, immature people. Being a traditional dater in a non-traditional world is a lonely road I’ll tell you.
On another note, I have started a running app that I just finished my second week in. It’s the Couch2 5k running app that breaks down a running program in eight weeks in a run- three- times- a- week style. A warm up and cool down is included with the workout, and you rotate between power walking and jogging intervals at different time limits. The first week was horrible. I hated it and my face turned lobster red and it sucked. This week, my second week, wasn’t any better except for the last run. I still got a lobster face, but I felt like I had a better run with less wheezing and cursing. It sucked a little less. I also did a short leg workout afterward of squats, lunges, and calf raises. Tomorrow I plan to row 1000 meters on my row machine and work out my abs. I have a training for work at the end of April that is physically active, and don’t want to look like a dying whale while doing it. Also, summer is coming up and I refused to be miserable in the Texas heat. I figure if I run and strength train three times a week and then row two times a week I should be good at the end of April and I plan to keep it going even afterwards.
It’s time to take control of my life instead of wishing and hoping. It is time to do. At work I am taking my job more seriously. I am trying to stay out of workplace drama and be the best worker I can be. I want my job output to prove what type of worker I really am and I want to be a good one. I want to flourish. I also want to take my hobbies more seriously. I have always been a creator. I have mentioned that in previous posts. I love to create art of any kind. I also love to learn. I have a reading list of literal books sitting on my desk in my dining room that I made my ‘office area’ and I need to start dedicating time to knocking these books out. If you aren’t leaning something new, you aren’t growing. I saw a quote on Facebook that I shared that stated, “Be teachable, you are not always right.” And isn’t that the truth.
Self-evaluation has been big for me thus far this year. I guess being honest and truthful with myself has been as challenging as its been rewarding. It’s hard, looking at yourself in the mirror and admitting to your faults. It’s hard to try to make changes and keep to them. It’s hard to realize you’ve been slacking and becoming something you promised yourself you would never turn into. Life can have a way of sucking your wants and dreams out of your soul and leaving you just able to, as you guessed it…survive. No more just surviving.
What are we to do with our limited time on this earth if not to enjoy it wholeheartedly and obsessively? I am going to be thirty this year and I just now have the unmistakable, unstoppable urge to live my best life.
Come and enjoy it with me.
My journey continues,
Kaycee
Live Metanoia 
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