Live Metanoia

The past year and a half has been a complete derailment. I had plans. Big plans. 

In the early summer of 2021 I had sold my first home. The county taxes were atrocious, and I did not like living in a neighborhood with the people that surrounded around me. Loud music, crazy parties, and no control of sketchy neighbors and their heathen children left me ready to go ASAP. So, I put my home up for sale and it sold months later. I thought I could sell and buy quickly and get into a new home quickly. What a hilarious notion that was.

Then I had surgery in June of 2021. A surgery that started off great and then turned into a horror show when my surgical site opened up and I had gaping wounds requiring a wound vacuum. So, I had nowhere to go and was in horrific pain and had to tote a machine around in a tote bag thing that was welded to my skin. The housing market decided at that time that due to COVID it would inflate all the prices for buying a home and I suddenly, I could not afford to live anywhere. To buy or to build was outrageously expensive. Homes that were worth $160,000 were now offensively priced at $20,000 or $30,000 dollars (or higher) their actual worth. 

These were dated, older homes that would need complete guts of bathrooms or kitchens. Homes with foundation issues or in need of repairs. It was crazy. Even now at the beginning of August in 2022, it still is high market with high interest rates.

I ended up moving into an apartment complex. When I moved into my current apartment complex I signed a short-term lease. I thought it would be temporary and I would get into a home quick. Nope- that didn’t happen. So, I had to renew for another lease term, the one I’m currently in. Since renewing my apartment building it has had an influx of criminal activity. Shots fired at the building I live in, multiple car break ins, suspicious person calls of people who don’t live there wandering around and y’all, this is a gated community with an on-site curtesy officer. What. The. Hell. Is. Happening.

What I pay in rent is comparable to a house note. And that is without covered parking and half my stuff in storage and in 800 square feet. The frustration is real, and my lease isn’t up until January of 2023. I can’t afford to break my lease because the fee to break is very high. I can’t afford to put money down on a home or even pay closing costs either. The medical bills from the wound care centers and management have started rolling in, and man they are expensive. All my savings I had from the sale of my home are gone. It has slowly been bled dry from multiple IV antibiotic infusions and even skin grafts. Yea- it was that serious. 

I am not asking for pity. I am not asking for handouts or anything. 

I understand that everyone has had a couple of crappy years since 2020. Everyone has had problems. I am mostly writing this to express that our best laid intentions and plans can always be screwed. The idea I would sell and buy within a month of posting my home for sale was a plan unfulfilled. The idea that I would have a surgery and be back at work in 6 weeks, ready and healthy and happy, was a plan unfulfilled. 

Life has a way sometimes of telling you that you are not always in control of everything around you and to stop trying to be. My plans have been set back by months to even a year. I have had to pivot more often than not. I think that’s Life’s way to telling me and others who have experienced hardship that we need to be more flexible. We need to breathe more. That sometimes our best laid plans are not meant for us at that time. That sometimes things happen for a reason. It may not be a reason we are aware of, but sometimes there’s a reason behind the hardship anyway. 

Life has laughed at me a lot recently. I have tried to ‘Let go and Let God’ but that can be exceptionally hard as well when you feel like you’re drowning. 

There is one thing I do know and think about often. One thing that no matter how hard things have been I always keep in the back of my head. It’s kept in a small place, where I don’t always like to listen to it. When I want to be mad or sulk or feel sorry for myself.

 I always think, it could be worse. I could be homeless. I could be jobless. I could still be sick or hospitalized from an infectious disease instead of an aggressive infection. 

It. Could. Be. Worse. 

And I know that may seem like a silly idea. I mean, there were times when I was taking three different oral antibiotics, and was violently ill, and in severe pain, and would think ‘God I don’t know how much more of this I can take’ so don’t think I am delusional or naive. 

But I just think overall that even though there are times of hardship, there is always a chance for reprieve. You just have to find it. You have to look for the light in the darkness and not be consumed by it. You have to kick against the waves and sometimes you have to save yourself. Dig yourself out of that hole and thank God for the strength. 

With dirty hands and Life laughing at you as you struggle, you have to pull yourself out of a grave of despair and say, “I will accomplish what I want. No matter how long it may take.”

My journey continues

-Kaycee