Live Metanoia

I forget sometimes. I forget how ugly and conniving people can really be. I forget that some will pretend to be your friend just to get close to you. I forget some are only out for themselves. 

I forget that not everyone has good intentions. I forget that we live in a time that loyalty is rare and people hide behind cheap smiles and fake kind words. I forget that coworkers are not your friends. They are co-workers. That there is a distinction. I forget that freedom of speech isn’t necessarily free. That having an opinion can get you judged, hated, or fired. 

I get comfortable sometimes around people and attempt to form relationships. I am then reminded swiftly how shady and disappointing people can be. How quickly some are willing to sell others out. How often people talk about others behind their backs. How angering it is when people talk about you in front of those you think are your friends, and they never stand up for you when you’re not there. I wonder when people became afraid of confrontation. Of when we became afraid of communicating with one another. I am then reminded that sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try to communicate, if the other party isn’t interested in listening it falls on deaf ears. 

I get distantly sad sometimes when I see others relationships and friendships. I wonder what it’s like to have a ride or die friend who you can travel with, or just spend the night with, or have a group of girlfriends you can go on trips with, or have a girl’s night with. I wonder what it’s like to be in a relationship with another person who you feel you can tell anything without judgement and they can do the same. I know somewhere I’ve had those friendships in the past, but honestly, I don’t have them now. I wonder if that is something that happens in adulthood, that’s apart of living and growing up.

I think I’ve had three major best friends in my life- not counting the one who lives across the country I met in college. And every time I have been let down or hurt by these ‘best friends’ in the past. Some I don’t even talk to anymore. Yes, I know people change as we get older. Yes, it takes two to communicate, but for some reason I have always felt I was the one who put more stock into my friendships and relationships than the other party ever has. I have felt like a place holder until something or someone else comes along many a times, and oh how I have been easily replaced. By the ‘popular girls group’ in school, the new boyfriend, and until a recent mental discovery of myself- the husband, I have felt like I was always there and ready to be the ‘best friend’ but the other party moved on. 

And I get that relationships change and mutate over time as we get older. Sometimes you get new friends, sometimes old ones become closer. I get that as others get married, have kids, move away, whatever, that friendships can alter. However, I feel that it no matter the changes in life, it takes work to maintain friendships and when the other party doesn’t make an effort you are left with the feeling of abandonment. 

I teeter between the idea/hurt of being left behind- of putting in all that effort for such little return- and the idea of ‘hey that’s life- you move on in yours, and they move on in theirs.’ 

I sometimes don’t know how to feel at all. Should I be resigned to the fact that people are so shallow now a days and accept I’ll never have deep friendship again because I can’t connect with you about your husband you talk bad about or your kids that drive you crazy? Or how you’re not a perfect mom, but at least you’re not like (insert other mom here) who lets their son wear his hair long. 

Or should there be understanding that hey, ‘different life paths, but we should still be able to be friends, right?’ We are adults capable of higher thinking and empathy. But when others have changed their whole identity to fit their new chapters in life, where do you stop trying? When you realize you are the one who carries the conversation? That the other party hasn’t ask one thing about what’s going on in your life? That neither of you have nothing in common anymore? Do you try to go and make new friends? How long am I supposed to go to concerts by myself and movies and etc. How long do I keep trying different stuff to meet others and it be superficial greetings? Where’s the deep, meaningful friendships?

Is it because I am someone who cares deeply? Is it because I am invested in cultivating something strong, loyal, and meaningful? In a non woo-woo way, is it because I’m a water sign and a Scorpio and get hurt when I feel my loyalty has been betrayed? 

Honestly, I don’t know. 

But what I do know is some of the ladies I’ve talked to or got close to over the past five to ten years I don’t live near and that makes it hard. Two are out of state, and one lives hours away. I know that no matter how much fun I may have at work, or how much I may have to rely on a coworker to potentially have to save my life- they don’t care about me like a friend, and I need to learn the difference between the terms. 

I know I’m in a lonely, building season right now. I also know I am strong enough to build on my own, even though I don’t want to. But looking back, I think I’ve been doing that by myself for a long time now. And truthfully I’m getting tired. The idea of the ‘lone wolf’ is cute in theory, but biologically humans aren’t meant for no connections or being alone. There’re literal studies about how it affects the psyche. But I guess until I find ‘my pack’, I truck on… 

My Journey Continues

Kaycee