Live Metanoia

They say dogs are mans best friend. Well they are women’s as well.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was a junior in college I, during a break in my semester, went to Canton Trade days located in East Texas. While there I went to the animal market where there were hundreds of dogs of all different types of breeds. I held a wolf/ malamute hybrid puppy and almost purchased it. However I decided to wait and see the rest of the market, thinking if it was there when I circled back around to it I would get it. I never circled back around. I ended up inside a small building where people where selling Standard Poodles. I held this tiny 11 week old black standard male and the rest was history.

I named him Oz. More specifically, Oz the Great and Powerful (you should know the movie reference). He has since been nicknamed Ozzy, Ozzy Osborn, Ozwald, butthead, and many more. He has been my best friend and furry child since I took ownership of him in 2013. He has sat on a sowing needle, been stung by a wasp, ate wayyyy too many loafs of bread he has been able to reach on the counter, and has been a joy to be around. He was easy to potty train as a puppy and an extremely sociable pet, loving everyone and never jumping on people.

He turned 10 this year in February and I knew my old man was starting to feel his age, sometimes he would be stiff if he laid on a hard floor for too long. I thought he would develop arthritis and go blind or deaf or start to get doggy dementia. I thought I would get a couple more good years with him, maybe he’d make it to twelve. It was none of the above.

Two weeks ago Oz started limping in his front right leg. At first it was slight, and I was checking his paws, claws, and foot thinking he stepped on something. Then I thought he may have pulled a muscle or maybe it was the dreaded arthritis, but his limp got worse and with it being his front leg he was having problems adjusting his balance. So I made a vet appointment for him to get checked over. I remember on my way to the vet telling him if he was faking it I would be mad. I wished he was faking it now.

The vet, who is a very sweet lady, checked his foot and lower arm. She then checked his upper arm and shoulder, where he whined at her. I thought ‘well that can’t be good if it’s up that high.’ The vet asked to do an X- Ray just to check one the shoulder area, and of course I agreed. I wanted to know what was going on as well and if the X Ray didn’t show anything, maybe it was muscular. The vet took the X- Ray and was able to look at it right then and there. I was in the waiting room when she came in and asked me to look at it as well. Dread filled my body. They don’t ask you to look at X- Rays unless something’s on them they want you to see.

The X- Ray was pulled up on the computer screen displaying Oz’s upper arm and shoulder area. I noticed a fuzziness around the bone on his arm meeting his shoulder. The vet then explained to me that the fuzziness I saw was what she was sure was a bone tumor (Later confirmed to be). It became clear when she said what she thought it was I knew in my own bones she was correct. My heart jumped into my throat. I asked her, ” A bone tumor is like cancer right?” and she told me yes. Oz has bone cancer. More specifically, osteosarcoma which apparently is an aggressive cancer in large breed dogs. His life prognosis being anywhere between a handful of weeks to six months. The vet didn’t see him lasting the year.

I think I was in shock. My companion who has been with me through moving out on my own, and job changes, and lonely times where I felt like no one loved me, has bone cancer? I started laughing, because this was a nightmare, and I looked down at Oz and said, “Well buddy, it ain’t arthritis!”.

I asked the Vet what options were for Oz. We first talked about pain management because of course I don’t want him hurting. So pain medication was the immediate given. I asked the vet if surgery was an option and she said she wouldn’t recommend it. Due to Oz’s age, the placement of the tumor, and the readjustment period of a loss limb, the surgery would be extremely hard on him and the recovery even harder. I told her I wasn’t willing to remove Oz’s whole right leg and part of his shoulder and him go through pain and rehab just for him to live miserable for a couple more years for my sake. It would have been completely selfish of me.

The vet also mentioned chemo and radiation but that was a quick no as well. One, the effectiveness is not really known and two, the price. There’s no way I can afford cancer treatment. I don’t know if I could afford it for myself, much less my dog. So, with glass in my throat and tears in my eyes, I had to decide to stick with pain management. Oz will be on pain medication for the reminder of his life and I have to monitor his quality of life, personality, food intake, everything. I have an unknown amount of short time before my furry child will be in too much pain to live his best doggy life and I will have to make the hard decision to let him run without pain in the grassy fields of doggy heaven chasing cats and eating bread.

I have cried a lot and have hugged him a lot. I told my parents who were both upset as I was. I have brought Oz over to their house since he was a puppy and they love him just as much as their own dogs. Oz has been, and currently still is, the best companion I have ever had. My dad has said the same thing.

And I know, he’s just a dog, but y’all- he’s my dog. I care for him deeply. I am emotionally invested in all ways. I love him. And what hurts the most is that he is mentally fine. He still has good spirits and get excited to see people and to go outside. He still wants to sleep in my bed and likes treats. What hurts is that it’s his body giving up and not his mind and spirit. Not yet at least.

So right now, Oz is doing okay. He takes his meds and he has been groomed recently and is very handsome. I even took fancy pictures with him. He gets extra pets and hugs and I talk to him more. I watch him more as well. I also try not to make my other fur child, Zoe, too jealous of the extra attention Oz is getting right now. I know dogs can grieve, and worry Zoe might.

Even thought I know I’m on borrowed time and hate it, I know I have time to prepare myself, time to spend with him, and time for him to receive the most love he can get.

They say Dog is a man’s best friend, well Oz definitely is mine.

My Journey Continues

Kaycee