Live Metanoia

Sometimes it takes not getting something you initially wanted to realize your goals have changed. 

So, I tested for a promotion at work. And I did not get said promotion.  There was some anger and some disappointment. But now that the process is over, and I have spoken to higher authority about it, as well as done some soul searching myself, I think the decision to not pick me may have worked out in my favor. 

Now, if I was chosen, I believe whole heartedly I would have done very well in the position I applied for. I have many years of experience with teaching/ training and leadership positions. However now, I think my priorities and goals may have changed in the last handful of months. I have thought about what I want to accomplish not only in my career, but in my personal life as well, and I think if I had gotten the position I applied for, my goals would have been harder, and taken longer, to obtain. 

My current goals and wants are a better life and work balance as well as more personal life fulfillment.  I am wanting to get out of debt as quick as possible and to travel soon. I have signed up for a travel trip to Bali next year and I am excited as I am nervous. I want to be able to enjoy my time off work and not have to stress or constantly think about work when I am at home. That to me is not healthy. To live in a constant state of stress and anxiety is not sustainable. So, I am wanting to establish more personal life hobbies and create strong relationships outside of work. 

Work wise I am wanting to focus on my consistency. I want to be considered reliable, dependable, and a hard worker. I am focused on my health and physical training to maintain better attendance at work and I have signed up for additional educational training to help excel my abilities in the writing and investigation. I have other ambitions as well, but now may be too early for me to state them out loud. Mostly, I want to increase my activity and overall be a better worker. Next year when my yearly review comes around, I want my supervisor to see the difference between the first half of this year and the back half. 

I believe it is okay that goals and dreams change. I believe it is a natural occurrence as we get older and grow. I think as a person finds their selves they discover what’s important in life. I, myself am starting to realize very quickly what I important to me. Things that I found important last year, that would keep me up at night and drive me crazy with anxiety, I have released from my psyche in the past few weeks. A lot of this has to do with being more consistent in my faith and spirituality. 

I think relying on a high power and casting my worries and prayers on God have helped me realize what’s more important in life. A title change with a pay bump and double the responsibilities and stress, or work on what I currently got to make it better and be content in my time off? Honestly, the second sounds like heaven compared to the first. As I get older I find I am more focused on my peace than my ambition. I remember often that a job, is a job, is a job. If I were to die, or quit, or god forbid- be fired, either way my position is replaceable. I am replaceable. I remember that I am not in a financially secure state that if an emergency were to come up, I would be screwed. I remember that the best way to control my freedom and happiness is being able to have the ability to support myself in all ways, and having the freedom and safety of a debt free lifestyle and a decent emergency fund as well as travel fun is a couple of those ways. 

I am focused on breaking generational and family curses. I love my family and I don’t believe I have family trauma, but I know that health has not always taken a big priority in my family. All my grandparents were drinkers and smokers with horrible health and illnesses. See how I used the past tense there? Because yes, unfortunately they are no longer on this plane. Eating well as well as staying physically active in adulthood was not something my family focused on when I was growing up, and for that I am bound and determined to not continue that trend. I don’t think it was something my grandparents focused on either, so I don’t blame my parents for this. I am wanting to create a new history for my children and their children and not pass down the bad habits. I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. I don’t currently take any medication prescribed by my doctor for health concerns. I am currently trying to stay active by walking, stretching, lifting weights, running 5ks, and I have started training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I am wanting to start these habits now while I am in my early thirties so I can reap the benefits when I am in my fifties. So if I have any children one day, these habits will be second nature for them to learn.

I am wanting to focus on my finances and take them more seriously. I don’t want to have to worry about the next pay check or next bill. Learning to spend within your means and not put a purchase on credit and “pay it later” has been a hard lesson to learn. Our country’s finance system does not educate us well. We don’t learn about savings and retirement. We don’t learn about pay gaps and wage differences. We don’t learn about maxing out benefits and investing. All these things are a foreign language- especially if you are a woman or minority. So, learning new principles now, and breaking bad spending habits is exceptionally hard to do when you are an adult. It’s even worse when you are in debt and trying to dig yourself out of it- and your government and economy is a dumpster fire. 

And while I focus on my health, physical and financial, I am rediscovering the forever endless depth and continuous love and forgiveness God offers. I have always believed and had a relationship with God. Sometimes it’s been a spicy one, when I have been mad and blaming God for things he’s not responsible for, but I have always come back to him no matter how hurt or angry. And I believe he has forgiven my dumb self time and time again. I have relearned that God is not responsible for the acts of man. He granted us the choice and option to make our own decisions- good or bad. I am still relearning to lean on him in my times of stress or sorrow. In times of anger as well as times of happiness. In times when I don’t understand why and how cruel and hateful this world and other humans can be. Furthering my relationship in Christ is just as paramount as my relationship with my health and finance. 

I have come to these realizations with a startling clarity over the past few weeks, and I honestly think they stem from not getting a promotion I applied, studied, and tested for.

It’s funny how life works that way. I am looking forward to the months to come, and the end of this year to see how many goals I have accomplished and what I have achieved.

My Journey Continues-

Kaycee